Posted by JoVaara
Crocs. Everyone hates crocs. They are the pinnacle of shitty footwear. They don’t work in public, because you look like a total douche. The don’t work in the wild, because they are soft and easily punctured. They don’t work on the beach because the sand gets in and it chafes like a sonofabitch.
They don’t even look cool if you wear them while doing your dishes or cooking in your birthday suit, wearing only crocs. The pretty much make you look like a total cock, no matter what. They are so shitty, in fact, that even Pete had a fairly hard time to even look cool while being smacked with a croc. Now, before you think “Yeah right, smacked with a croc? STFU n00b” it should be noted that the croc was doused in thinners and set alight. So it was a croc. A flaming croc. While in theory it sounds like a bullshit story that doesn’t make any sense, check out the stills. And even then you ain’t seen nothing yet! The rabbit hole goes even deeper than a simple shot and James Bond roll with a croc. It involves some serious medical expenses and second degree burns….
Bright idea? Not quite. While it might look awesome to see a guy get smacked with a insane splatter of thinners and rogue flames, it is actually a rather dangerous stunt. Notice Pete’s Jew-fro he’ was cultivating there? Well, it could have gone up in flames and have his ears melted to his skull like a a boss. Luckily it went without a hitch 😀
Where does this insane idea come form you ask? I have to admit, I have no idea how Pete comes up with his stunts. He has the most macabre ideas in the history of mankind. If Dudes of Hazard actually had a bigger budget I rate he would blow you away with most of his elaborate schemes. Actually, if we had a bigger budget the whole show would elevate to a level of awesomeness beyond comprehension! So, that being said, back to the Burning Croc.
You have to know that these bastard crocs are notoriously hard to set alight. They seem to have a natural resistance to soaking up any kind of liquid….even thinners. Only later we found out that if you cut them or puncture them, then they soak up the shit like a boss. And that is not necessarily a good thing. It’s a good thing for the fans and for the footage, because it looks totally epic, but it was bad for Pete. Very bad for Pete.
The first Burning Croc skit took place when we were still filming with Zoopy and had a webshow with them….And it was pretty awesome. Set out to the garage to find a nice 5L of thinners, get braai tongs and a croc. It has to be noted that this specific croc was actually a real Croc, not these fake crocs made by little snot nosed Chinese lighties in a cramped factory. No, this was the real thing. While you might think that there is no difference between a real croc and a fake croc, you are terribly mistaken. As were we. More on that in a bit though.
So we douse the croc in thinners and Pete does the intro for the skit. “I’m Pistol Pete, and this is the Flaming Croc!” As I rear back to give him a proper slap, the flame dies. Have I mentioned that these things are difficult to set alight? Maybe it’s to prevent a guy’s crocs from melting onto his foot when he steps on a red hot coal while having a bit of a braai. So we tried to light the croc off the floor, where there still was a flaming puddle of thinners. It didn’t work though, as the croc had a tiny little flame. Not enough for a stunt. So I hold this croc with a little, tiny flame and Chuck douses the thing with thinners, And as you know, Chuck pays no heed to moderation. He splashes a generous amount of thinners on the croc! It goes up in a magnificent flame, singing the hair off my arms and almost setting Chuck’s face alight. It was insane! The tongs heated up to unbearable temperature within minutes, and with delayed reactions I flicked it away onto the sidewalk. Goddamnit.Fail 1.
So with try number three, it was awesome. Third time’s is a charm they say. I’d say it’s true! The third try was a loud, audible smack and a spatter of thinners and flames! You could actually see the heatwaves emanating from the croc as it sped towards Pete. He tensed up, and SMACK! The croc brought a proper smackdown! He roared and ran towards the sidewalk, where he did a legendary James Bond-esque roll that would make Daniel Craig hang his head in shame. This stunt was a massive success! At first we thought that the flame did nothing to him. Upon closer inspection though, it came to light that his hair was singed all proper like. And worse than that, he smelled like a burnt log for at least a week afterwards. And not s subtle smell, you could smell him from a distance. People most probably thought that he was some kind of pyromaniac…. a little hooligan bastard…. a lawless repeat offender with his singed air and awkward smell. It does no matter though, it turned out to be awesome.
BUT, remember when I said there is a difference between a fake croc and a real croc? So, we’re doing this live show at Aandklas Hatfield, a awesome Pub/Grill/Winning place. As per usual, Pete brought the strangest ideas with. This time involving the famous and legendary Braaiboy, who is here to have fun, while having a braai. Every day. Yes, EVERY DAY! He’s a legend of a man, his Facebook Fan Page has about 21 400 likes at the time of writing this blog entry. So you can be guaranteed of his awesomeness.
Pete breaks out his fake-ass Chinese croc, and it’s placed on the grill. The croc goes up in flames surprisingly fast… But it wasn’t a concern at the time. At least it didn’t die. So Braaiboy swings and smacks Pete with the croc. The flame was rather disappointing and the croc fell to the ground in a grand moment of anticlimax. Courageously Pete roars: “AGAIN!”
That was kind of a huge mistake he would come to regret for about a month afterwards. In the time the croc had been lying on the grill for the second time, it had time to properly soak up the flames. Turns out that fake crocs were more susceptible to soaking up thinners than genuine crocs. As Braaiboy picked up the croc, it was an insane, dripping, melted remnant of a croc. The flame was huge! It dawned on us that this was the most bullshit idea, and it was guaranteed to turn out for the worst. It was too late, as Braaiboy swung down and smacked Pete with the now melted to shit croc. He connected Pete on the lower back, and the croc disbanded and splattered in a spray of melted plasticky substance and thinners.
Pete’s back was covered in scalding hot plastic melting into his skin! He let out a mighty Spartan-like roar and used his T-shirt he was holding in a feeble attempt to wipe away the plastic. That was bad idea number two. As he wiped the plastic, most of it came of.
Along with his cooked skin. It was insanity! He was burnt. Bad. We tried to wipe it off, but ti was too late, What didn’t come off with the initial wipe was now melted into his skin and cooled down already. It was FUBAR. Luckily our mate Xavier Loubser, who is a paramedic at Best Care Ambulance Services was there. If it weren’t for him, we’d pro’lly be screwed. Pete would have been screwed grandly. Xave took charge and bundled us into his car. Stepped on the gas, we zipped through the Snor City traffic like a boss, and stopped at the ER within a matter of minutes. That was the most adrenaline fueled ride I have had in a long time. I have to hand it to Xave, he is a goddamn pro at high speed maneuvering in Snor City. He takes no prisoners.
We arrive at the ER and he logs in. Fortunately he knows the staff, and we were inside in a matter of seconds. Pete was taken to the back to be examined, where a nurse cleaned his burns and took off some of the melted plastic. She was far from impressed. Although this was insane, it was kind of awesome at the same time.
So Pete’s all wrapped up after a while, and came out looking like a mummy doing a striptease, all wrapped halfway in bandages and reeking of Burnshield.
Hats of to Xavier for helping us out. If it weren’t for him, Pete might have had to spend the next night or two in the hospital with a IV to keep him hydrated. Xave took him back to his flat and rigged him up like a boss with some painkillers and a IV.
Our thanks and gratitude cannot be expressed towards Xave. He is a total legend. He is a prince and a scholar!
So, while he might look like a ordinary, good looking Snor City bloke, he is in fact a goddamn hero. True Story.
Pete was pretty fuck burnt to shit for a while, and walked like a old man with cramped balls, and couldn’t get or out of a car without looking like the South African Planking Champion. So…countless bandages, bottles of Dettol and two rather large and expensive jars of Betadine later and he’s all better and healed. Only some scarring remain, but not too much. But it’s all good, because scars are sexy 😉
We have agreed that the Flaming Croc idea would be binned…maybe forever. It was a terrible idea, and a stunt gone wrong….or maybe…. a stunt gone right? Depends on your view I guess. To us, we say that it was a stunt gone wrong, but in reality it actually was a stunt gone right. Pete’s street-rep increased massively after this massive fail, and it went down in Blog History.
I guess this wraps up another one! Go and like Braaiboy now and be part of the Braaivolution. Also go and like Best Care Ambulance Services. They proud themselves in being one of the leading ambulance services in Pretoria. Best Care Ambulance Services has been in the medical industry for more than 10 years, and is always willing to help the community.
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Stay awesome, & stay safe! – JV
The Flaming Croc
Posted in More Dudes of Hazard Stuffs
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